Let's Chit-Chat!

Death and grief are difficult subjects for most people. But particularly for those who haven't experienced the death of a loved one. 

I admit, I don't like to talk about my grief over the loss of our Eve.  Because I don't want to burden others with it. To be honest, I also don't want others to think that I am constantly sad or that I am depressed simply because I'm talking about Eve and our grief.  Because I'm not.

The thing is, our grief is now part of who we are as a family. So it is with us always. If you were to have an image of grief, some might think of grief as a dark grey cloud over a grieving person's head. 

Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not always like that. The best way I can describe it is by saying that grief is like a scar that you cherish. 

Yes, it is a scar that was formed after the traumatic loss of someone you love. But the scar doesn't really hurt anymore.  It's just a little tender.  Most of the time you don't even remember it's there.  

Until, you look at it closely and as you think more deeply, you're reminded of the trauma, the loss and the love you have for the one who's gone. And so you remember the pain you once deeply felt. 

But you cherish it. Because you don't want to forget.  Sometimes, the scar might be rubbed the wrong way, and it can hurt!

Well, tonight Eleanor told me her scar was rubbed the wrong way again at school. I know it wasn't a malicious incidence because her friends are all innocent 6 and 7 year olds.  Most of the kids, if not all, still don't understand much about death, let alone have had the experience of deep loss. 

But to my sweet Eleanor -  who's mentioned a number of times this year, "Mommy, I don't like it when others talk about my baby sister the wrong way. It makes me very sad and I cry" - what was said about her sister made her cry. Again.

It breaks my heart to hear these stories.  Not because someone made her cry. Because they didn't!  They don't know. They don't have the same scar. It breaks my heart because she's still learning how to live with her tender scar.  

Many of you may know, Eleanor is like an open book.  So she will reveal her scar to others. Sometimes on purpose, and sometimes inadvertently.  And each person will react differently.

After she told me what happened at school today, she also told me about the brief conversation she had last weekend with her uncle Chuck. She and uncle Chuck were chit-chatting in the back seat of our car as I drove him and his sweet wife Jimmie-Lynn back to the airport after their short visit. 

She said she told uncle Chuck that she has a baby sister named Eve in heaven.  And she said he told her, that he also has two babies in heaven. 

She doesn't know it, but she probably mentioned this conversation because I'm sure it brings her comfort in knowing that uncle Chuck has scars too, and he understands her. 

I am so thankful for these moments when my sweet, loving Eleanor opens up about her grief,  and there are people in her life who'll react in love to help her understand that she is ok. That having a scar is ok.