A side note

I know I have been taking my time to write. The truth is, I feel like I've reached a road-block so to speak. It hasn't been easy to organise all my thoughts and feelings to express myself in a way that I hope to be 'heard'. I hope you understand. There's so much I can and wish to share, but at the same time I feel the need to keep some things private, and all the while I'm trying to be careful as to not subconsciously offend anyone with what I share here - the facts, my thoughts and my take on things. I guess mostly I just feel very vulnerable. 

One of the very first things that happened to me at the very beginning of this painful and scary journey was that I became overcome with a sense of guilt. Guilt for not having been more compassionate towards others whom I've witnessed suffer in the past; guilt for having overlooked the fact that there may be people I know going through hardships and how I may not have extended my hand and my heart when they needed the most. 

More specifically, I began to recall the many friends and relatives who've lost a parent or another family member, the friends who've lost their five year old daughter on an automobile accident, the friends who lost their three month old newborn son to SIDS, the friends who've watched, fought, and prayed for the life of their premature daughter whom the Lord eventually took to be with Him after two months, the friend who struggled with cancer for nearly ten years before going 'home'...I can't help but think about how fragile they were when going through what they've faced, the vulnerability that has probably caused them to take cover at times, in place of facing each day and, more importantly, people in general.

I guess it's true that it takes a certain amount of hardship to really understand the pain of your brethren and honestly empathise. I am certainly not saying that I am 'there' but that I feel I may be on my way. Then, just this month we hear the news of the tragic death of the son of Rick Warren - the well known pastor of Saddleback Community Church and the author of A Purpose Driven Life - and I came across this article that very much touches on the subject of vulnerability in the face of trials. 

Here is the article (which you can read in full if you hover over and click on the title) along with an excerpt from it which I would like to highlight: 

Rick Warren's Grief: The Comfort and Cruelty of Speculating on Suicide by Kristen Howerton:

I was devastated to hear the news of Rick Warren's son, who took his own life on Friday after a lifetime of battling serious mental illness. 

Unfortunately, over the past 24 hours I've seen both individuals and news outlets posting speculations about Rick Warren, his son and their relationship, with what I perceive to be an attempt at figuring out what went wrong. People seem to want to assign blame to something or someone -- to unlock some mystery that would explain Matthew's suicide.

When we hear about grieving parents it can be so tempting to try to assign blame, because if they aren't to blame, then we have to grapple with the reality that sometimes, tragedy is senseless. This is an uncomfortable truth: awful things happen to children that parents cannot prevent. It's a truth so painful that we would rather throw grieving parents under the bus than face it. 

I think this is an awful but real human impulse -- we want to find a way to exclude the possibility that something bad could befall our children. I will admit here that I'm not immune to this impulse. When something horrific happens to another child, I find myself quickly cataloging the details, trying to find something that would make the tragedy exceptional -- some slip-up that the grieving parent made along the way that would comfort me from a concern that it could happen to me. I've done it when I've heard about infant death: I've scrambled to figure out if the parent was doing something wrong. Was there some rule they failed to follow that would assuage my anxiety about my own child's mortality? I found myself doing this as I watched the Sandusky trial as well -- quickly casting aspersions on parents of the victims for their lack of discernment.

I've been going back and forth between writing this post along with another draft of just the continuation of our 'current story'. In the end, I felt I needed to clear my mind first to really come across as genuine as I can when sharing this journey with whoever is reading and following. I am in no way assuming that those who visit this blog will turn against me. My main point is that the more I try to make  sense of the reality that our family is facing these days, the more vulnerable I feel...on the one hand I desperately want to reach out and ask for support, but on the other hand I fear that in doing so I will expose my wounds to greater hurt.

As a woman and a parent, I personally am quite sensitive to what I can handle seeing or even reading.  So if I do not include details of our experience please understand that I am simply protecting our privacy as well as protecting myself and others from unecessary burden and heartbreak. At the same time, I am only human and sometimes I may slip up and disappoint. Either way, I hope you continue to read with a grain of salt. Whatever I may or may not share, I hope you understand...

In God's "Waiting Room" (Part 3: Joy and Pain of Parenthood)

It's a well known fact that parenthood is hard. It's a never ending roller coaster of exhilarating joy and crippling fear. Even the best of parents in the world will admit to it. One of the biggest fears I was plagued with as soon as Eleanor came into our lives was our 'advanced' age as her parents...the number of years between her and us, her parents...the stark reality that as Eleanor would develop and grow, we'd only continue to - quite literally - 'decay' physically.  Yes, quite dramatic of me...but I couldn't help the awful thoughts like What if something were to happen to either myself or Jim, or even to both of us, leaving Eleanor all by herself?, or What if Eleanor becomes an orphan before she even finishes college?, etc.

I know I wasn't 'the only' nor the first parent to have those fears. My younger sister who got married and had her first kid at age 23, has recently decided that she and her husband will never fly anywhere together without their kids. I think the rational behind that fear of mine was the tragic fact that my own father passed away just six months shy of him turning fifty years of age, when my youngest sister and brother were still quite young. I think when one experiences the death of a loved who's life was cut way too early, the issue of mortality becomes much more real and close. Maybe we become extra fragile and fear that death could strike, again, sooner than expected.

Ironically, these contrasting feelings of fear and joy associated with parenting - left us with the desire to have more children...realistically just one more. You see, we hoped God would gift us with a sibling for Eleanor so that she'd have someone as close in blood as it gets to her parents - besides grandparents, uncles and aunts, and cousins. However, we weren't driven by irresponsible or frivolous impulse. We prayed about and thought through the risks and costs of such a pursuit.

So you can imagine our excitement when we found ourselves pregnant in November of last year, 2012!  We were besides ourselves. According to our calculations, it looked like this baby's due date was very close to Eleanor's birthday! We so desperately wanted to tell our families right away. When we told our parents about being pregnant with Eleanor, it was on Christmas Day in 2009. We had hoped to be able to tell them about this pregnancy again over Christmas.  However, due to the nature of the sensitivity of pregnancy, we were cautious as to not share the news with anyone before we felt things were ok.

We were even more careful to not 'jump the gun' when during the very first ultrasound at six weeks to confirm pregnancy, we were told that the baby's heart rate was bordering on the low side. We were scared, worried, and our hearts dropped. But the midwives reassured us that it could just be that the baby was still too young. They scheduled for us to come back the next week for a second ultrasound, at which point our baby's heart rate had gone up to "normal" range. We let out sighs of relief and went about our lives for the next few weeks until the hospital would schedule us for pre-natal care starting sometime at 12 weeks of pregnancy. (Note: In Australia, a lot of hospitals will not allow pregnant women to make a booking until one is 12 weeks along. Until then, you're expected to be seen by your  family doctor, aka your general practitioner.)

We were contacted for our first pre-natal consultation in early January at 13 weeks which coincided with the nuchal translucency and the biochemical screening (not a diagnosis) for abnormalities, particularly chromosomal ones.  When we were pregnant with Eleanor, we received our pre-natal care for the first four months in the U.S. when we were there for our short furlough. There, screening for fetal abnormalities was optional and we had opted out. Well, with this current pregnancy, because of my age, we were under the impression that such screening was not  'optional' but more of a necessary precautionary routine. We happily obliged because we thought there would be no harm in knowing of anything unusual as it would only help us to receive proper care.

We received the nuchal translucency ultrasound result right away and it had come back as being normal. We were grateful and relieved!  But we would have to wait a few days for the biochemical test results.  Naively we convinced ourselves that everything was fine. We wanted to wait for the blood tests results first, but we couldn't keep from sharing the news with our families any longer. So we did, and as expected, everyone was extremely happy for us.

The very next day, we received a call from the hospital asking us to come in right away for the results of the blood test results. Right there and then I feared it wasn't good news. If everything was fine, surely they would have just given us the result over the phone., I thought. Our hearts raced faster than the speed at which we drove to the hospital. Our stomachs were in knots and our eyes glassy as we waited for Dominic, the Genetic Counselor with whom we'd be speaking.

(To be continued...)

In God's "Waiting Room" (Part 2: Journey into Parenthood)

When Jim and I got married nearly 15 years ago, in 1998, we both agreed we wanted four children - two boys and two girls, and in that specific order. I've always wished I'd had an older brother, so I wanted my children to have one...and of course, children must have siblings in the same gender to play with, especially close in age, so our next child must be another boy....also, a family is not complete until you have children in both genders, so next we'll have a girl...and so on went our dream. 

Well, things didn't quite happen as we had wished and hoped for.  In fact, we struggled with a life of infertlity for the first twelve years of our marriage. We struggled together as a couple, then secretly as individuals each going through the emotional and sometimes spiritual ups and downs at different times. Mostly it was a quiet and lonely struggle for us. We confided and found solace and support in friends going through similar pain, but in the end our true comforter and healer was our Father in Heaven. 

Then, as we found ourselves on the journey toward redemption from such pain and struggle, God "mysteriously" - but we believe providentially - gifted us with Eleanor in 2010.  I cannot fully explain what it is like to be given a gift you fully did not expect...it had taken a painstaking 12 years of searching, tweaking, and figuring out our life's purpose as a childless couple, and now we had to "shift gears" and literally figure everything out all over again...it was/is both scary and exciting. It felt  as though suddenly life came in full force and we are extremely grateful to God and we do not take anything for granted. 

In November of last year, 2012, we found ourselves pregnant for the second time! And thus began this season of our lives where we find ourselves, as Jim puts it, in "God's waiting room". 

(To be continued...)

In God's "Waiting Room" (Part 1: Keeping Memories)

It is with a bit of aprehension that I return here to write about life as it unfolds during this season. Some of you who used to (or still do) follow this blog may have received emails from us about the incredibly difficult predicament in which we as a family find ourselves. (More on this later...)

It is a very difficult time for us and most of the time we have no idea how to process things let alone clearly articulate our thoughts and especially our emotions...no one is ever prepared for such circumstances, there's no "dress rehearsal"...Actually, we are quite shocked and surprised at our "composure" and ability to carry on...it is truly only by God's grace and mercy! So each day, we find ourselves sitting in God's "waiting room", clinging onto Him who feeds us each morsel of nourishment we need to survive until His will for our lives is revealed, hourly, daily, monthly...

As much as I'd love to be able to beautifully and eloquently express myself here, I am not a writer. Heck, often times I have a difficult time expressing myself in person! Words always fail me...Also, I still have much to learn when it comes to living a grace-filled, graceful, and a gracious life.

I have come back to blogging to record my thoughts as best I can mainly in order for me to be able to come back and REMEMBER, especially God's daily mercies for us as a family during this time, but also to keep family, friends, and whoever may be interested, informed. So I hope that you read this without any expectations or judgement, but as a means for you to walk and pray with us in heart and spirit.

I'm still unsure whether I will post my blog updates on facebook...this may be the only time. So if you would like to follow and keep reading, please save my link name onto your reading list. Blessings.

To be continued....

I'm ba-ack! And Guess Who's Two?

Recently, on the 20 th of July to be exact, our little Eleanor (aka cheeky-monkey) turned two years of age. It was kinda of a bittersweet event as it meant that she is no longer a "little baby", but at the same time we are overjoyed and thankful to the Lord for His amazing grace upon her (and us) this past year. We were also a bit sad that we weren't going to celebrate Eleanor's birthday with any family or close friends like we did last year when we celebrated her 1st birthday by throwing a big dinner party for family and close friends during our HMA (the party actually served as a great way for us to see and visit with as many people as we could without having to meet with each individually). But we were not going to stop from making it a special day for Eleanor, so we made the most of our circumstances and had a BLAST!

We wanted to make her birthday EXTRA special without having to throw a party. So we started off by purchasing a few presents (toys) with monetary gifts we had received from her grandparents and auntie.

We kept these gifts hidden so as to give them to her on her actual birthday. Then, the night before her birthday, I decorated the living room with a banner and balloons, and placed all her toys in one area for her to discover in the morning. Also, after putting her down for the night, I tied and scattered some balloons around the house to make a trail from her room down to the area in the living room where she'd find the toys. Would have loved to post the video of our set up and the video of her reaction the next morning, but it's been difficult to upload the videos (I gotta figure this out...). Just take my word for it. Eleanor was DELIGHTED! I think she really liked all the presents. Here are the pictures of some of her presents. 

 

Stroller and baby carrier (not shown).

Chalk and whiteboard easel.

Three-wheel scooter and helmet.

Some cool jelly-like toys that you throw on the ground and watch it "splatter" and come back to it's original shape (picked up in Perth, Australia during daddy's trip).

Soon after checking out her "pressies" we had "brekkie"and headed over to Wild Life Sydney in Darling Harbour, in the city. This is a place where tourists come to check out the animals that are only native to Australia.  Even though we've been in Sydney for five years, Jim and I had never been there, and we were so glad because we got to experience the place for the first time with our little princess. :) She is getting to an age where she really appreciates and understands the things we introduce her to. The place was just the right size for a two year old to explore in under two hours. I think her favorite animals were the kangaroos and wallabies! 

At the butterflies sanctuary.

Sleeping wombat.

Big kangaroo.

Baby monkey and daddy gorilla. :)

Sleeping koala (well...they're always sleeping!).

At the end of the fun, enjoying a snack and some sunshine.

After spending the morning at Wild Life Sydney, we swung by our favorite pasta shop in Haberfield (an ethnically Italian neighbourhood) to pick up their yummy lasagna we'd serve for dinner to our church's core members whom we invited to come eat and sing Eleanor Happy Birthday.  Everyone had commitments that evening since it was a Friday night, so we sang Happy Birthday first, and then dug into the lasagna with salad and bread.  Here are pics of her reaction to our singing. 

Check out her reaction to our singing!

Precious...

Love this video!

The food was great and the company even better! All the brothers and sisters at our church love Eleanor to bits! She is the only child at church as all of our members are young adults with none who are married, and she's well accepted and included in all the activities that go on at church.  What a GREAT simple birthday it has been! I think next year we might have to throw a small party with her friends. :)

A typical Saturday for us

Lately our Saturday mornings have been reserved for ministry meetings - church-plant ministry team meetings, PReP meetings (Pre-Relationship Program which is like Pre-Marital Counselling for singles is committed relationships), counselling one-on-one sessions...and so on).  Not long ago, our Saturdays were usually filled with visits to the local outdoor markets or hang outs at the beach with many of our non-Christian friends, and I do miss those times...But I know that this is just a busy season of our church life as the Lord has been adding people to our family little by little.  We just want to be positioned in a good place so as to minister well to all who come into the fold of the family of God.

Since Jim is still quite busy on Saturday afternoons with sermon-prep and what not, our outings usually involve going out to lunch.  Today, for example, we went out for Yum Cha (or Dim Sum as we call it in the U.S.) which I have been craving for a while.  Isn't it nice that the hubs lets me pick what I want to eat? The great thing about Yum Cha is that there are plenty of things that my semi-picky Eleanor can enjoy, like prawns, tofu, rice...

After Yum Cha as we strolled the outdoor plaza where the restaurant was located, we ran into some people we knew from another church who were running a used-goods sale stall.  I love a good bargain so I quickly looked at the toys and children' section and picked up a few goodies with Eleanor, such as...

I love a good bargain!

Happy weekend everyone! :)

Chatter-box in da house!

So it's been a few months since I've been here on my own blog and A LOT has happened since my last post! Too much to even remember! Which brings me to the point that it is for that reason that I should post more often: so I don't forget what memories we have built, especially with Eleanor!

She is a little over 16 months now and - oh boy! - she talks a lot! Here are the words that she uses (at least the ones I can think of right now):

Hi
Bye
Hello
Mommy/mom/mamma/umma
Daddy/pappa/appa
Oppa (big brother in Korean)
Unni (big sister in Korean)
Eemo (aunty in Korean)
Vovo (grandma in Portuguese)
Halmi (grandma in Korean)
Dodoi (doggy)
Eye
Nose
Ear
Head
Hat
Toes
Shoes
Cheese
Apple
Popo (Korean/her version for grapes)
Wawa (water)
Pang (bread in Korean)
Cup
Poon (spoon)
Up
Down
More
Please
Tatoo (thank you)
Open
No
Yup
Uh-huh
God
Bap (rice in Korean)
Bird
Flower
Owl
Towel
Teeth
Diape (diaper)
Signs "I love you" and "thank you" and "more"
Pease (please)
Cap (clap)
Oh no
Nie-nie (night-night)
Come
Ouch/owie/aya (Korean version)
too
One
Two
Tree (three)
Four
Five
Eight
Ni (nine)
Ten
Tree
Ball
Baby
Bee
Bug
Nana (banana)
Cheerio
Boo (books)
I gaw it doo (you got it dude)
Me
Most animal sounds (she refers to animals by the sounds they make, ie: "moo" is cow)
Amen.

That's it for now! :)