Gratitude

Yesterday marked one month since the birth and passing of our little Eve. People have been asking, How are you doing? or How are you coping?.

A couple of weeks ago I was back at the hospital for a postnatal appointment. The day before and the morning of the appointment day I was pretty anxious and restless. I guess one can imagine why I'd feel so nervous, but strangely, at the time, I couldn't pin-point the exact reason(s) for feeling that way. In retrospect, it probably was due to the fact that I was mostly functioning on survival mode...just going through the motions in the aftermath...similar to being in a state of shock where your mind sort of stops thinking and your feelings go numb. People around us seemed quite surprised to see me out and about already, after just two weeks.

I had thought the appointment was going to be a quick postnatal check up with my doctor or the midwife. Due to my nervousness, I got to the hospital thirty minutes early. I sat in the waiting area looking at the pregnant women around me who were waiting to get their ultrasounds. I couldn't help but wonder if their pregnancies were going OK...if everything was OK with their babies...Then I began to think, Wow! Just three weeks ago I was sitting in this same place but Eve was still with me! People around don't know that! They probably couldn't tell. How could they? Could they?.

My mind wondered off for a few more minutes, and soon I found myself in a meeting room not just with the midwife or the doctor I saw on a regular basis, but also the social worker who had helped us with all the information regarding the logistical and emotional support they offered when dealing with the death of an infant child, as well as the doctor who actually delivered Eve. I had not expected to see them all again, let alone all at once! I sensed my nervousness level slightly increase, and I could literally feel my blood pressure go up. As soon as they started to ask me questions about my well being, the flood-gates opened and I couldn't hold back the tears. I was just overcome with emotions, mostly overwhelmed with gratitude for these amazing women who had been there and cared for me and my family all these months.

Though we have been on an incredibly difficult journey, God had surrounded us with so many wonderful people - Christian or otherwise, and sometimes in the most seemingly random ways - who had acted as the hands and feet of Jesus as well as the mouthpiece of God, to remind us of His loving presence and care for us.

In the past couple of weeks I have tried a few times to come back here to write, but it has been even harder to organise and express my thoughts...it's a whole new level of vulnerability I feel. Yes, there is grief and sadness, but there is also so much more...This past month, it has mostly been gratitude.